I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You work out of a Hotel?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
