If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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