My cat gives me a boner
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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