i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
