I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize