i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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