What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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