I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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