Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
