Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
