Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize