I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
