Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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