Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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