don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
