We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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