4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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