Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
