She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
