I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
