I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
