Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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