at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
