someone threw a dead crab at me
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My feet surprised me
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