She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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