Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
