He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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