Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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