I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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