My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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