he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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