its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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