I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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