woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
