The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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