we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
