I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
