Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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