What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
