Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
