so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
