I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
