moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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