just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
