You're earring is so big in my mouth
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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