Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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