Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
