there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
