I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
