I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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