i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
