I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
