John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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