The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
