Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
