There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
