Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
