sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
