Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize