I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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