I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
