i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
