I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
